


Better Off

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, brief moment of sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-17
Updated: 2015-08-17
Packaged: 2018-04-15 00:19:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4585791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on supernaturalimagine: Imagine being on a hunt with Sam and Dean but you are hit by a witch’s spell and forget all about Sam, your boyfriend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better Off

I was reckless. (Y/N) should never have come with us on our witch hunt. As soon as I found out that (Y/N) had stowed away we should have turned around. We should have--I should have been more careful. If I’d been more persistent none of this would have happened.

 

“Sammy, sweetie, it's’ not smart to get lost in your head!~ Especially when your lovely (Y/N) is strapped to my altar. You know what? I’m going to do you a favor!” Gerald’s childish face is contorted in a sarcastic and cruel sneer. His boyish good looks could fool anyone into believing he is an innocent twenty-something year old instead of a malevolent two hundred year old necromancer. Hell, he even fooled me.

 

(Y/N) is struggling against her bindings but Gerald swiftly tightens my own. I choke as Gerald manipulates my lungs and windpipe. Every fiber of my being is begging for some air but no matter how much I struggle nothing is coming in. (Y/N) takes note once she starts calming down the easier it is for me to breath. Any fight she had in her evaporates and my lungs welcome some much needed air. But my heart shatters when I see her face. (Y/N) has tears pouring down her face and her eyes are fearful. She would never let anyone see her this way unless she thought it would be her final moments. And It’s my fault.

 

“Sam, I love you so much! I know I should have said it more, I meant to say it but ‘I love you’ never seemed to be enough.” Before (Y/N) can say anymore Gerald interrupts.

 

“Aww! Aren’t you sweet?” His mellifluous tone is contrasted by the disgust filling his eyes. In an instant the customer service smile twists into a deep frown. “You don’t deserve this kind of love, Sam. After everything you and Dean have done it's’ hard to tell which one of us is more of a monster. Neither of you have earned the right to be loved.”

 

Gerald’s words hit a sensitive nerve. He’s saying everything I’ve thought of myself. That I’m a failure, a disappoint. Or even worse, a monster like the things we hunt. No matter how often (Y/N) tried to ease my concern a part of me, no matter how small, still worries. Before I can snap out of my rabbit hole of self-doubt Dean comes toppling into the shattered shed. Dean is asking me if I’m okay while cutting away my binds. Gerald is gone and only the scent of his cheap cologne lingers in the air.

 

I faintly register Dean saying that he’s sorry for letting the Gerald get the jump on him. That a booby trap went off knocking him on his ass and out like a light. All his rambling falls by the wayside when I see her. (Y/N) is laying limp on the altar. Her eyes are hazy and her skin is lacking its glow. God, she looks awful. Please don’t be dead. I won’t be able to live with myself knowing I could have stopped this. I can tell that I’m moving towards (Y/N) impossibly still form but I don’t feel it. My fingers shake as I press my index and middle finger to her carotid artery.

 

“Oh, thank God!”

 

Even though her heartbeat is faint at least it is there. A few of my tears land on her cheek and roll down the curve of her jaw disappearing into her hair. Their wet trail give the illusion that her skin is sparkling, glistening from within. It is almost as if the little life (Y/N) has left is trying to break free from her body and find another host. Sniffling I look towards Dean, his face stonecold to hide his anger with himself, and his body looks like it is trying to cave into itself, and motion for him to give me his blade. With a sharp snap of the blade (Y/N)’s bindings unravel and splay around the altar. Her body is freezing despite the tepid night air.

 

The ride back to the bunker is dead silent. Dean’s eyes are glued to the road too absorbed in his thoughts to bother making nice conversation. To be frank, I don’t think I could bring myself to answer him anyway. All my energy is trained on warming up (Y/N). Even though her heartbeat has gotten stronger her limbs feel like ice. A scornful chuckle rumbles through my chest.

 

_“Jesus! (Y/N), you know I don’t like my side of the bed being warm before I get in!”_

_“I’m sorry I didn’t mean too…” (Y/N)’s not sorry. She fighting away a smile but is losing tremendously. I shot my best glare at her and (Y/N)’s defenses crumbling. Her melodic laughter rings throughout my room, and probably the bunker, as she tries to not fall of the edge of our bed._

_“If I’d known you’d turn my bed into a furnace I would have never asked you to move into my room.”_

_“Aww, but then who’d keep you warm all night if you keep pushing me away?” (Y/N)’s planning something. I can practically see the gears churning in her head. She wraps her right arm around my waist sliding her hand underneath my t-shirt. (Y/N) pushes the band of my boxers out of the way and starts rubbing the tops of my thighs occasionally teasing my inner thighs._

_“(Y/N)..” The feeling of her soft hand grazing the top of my growing erection empties my mind. I need more of her touch. More of her these gentle kisses she’s pressing against my neck. More of (Y/N)._

_Thirsting to feel every part of (Y/N) against me, heating me up from the inside out I roll on top of her. (Y/N)’s eyes are daring me to do my worst and I don’t need to be told twice._

I’d give anything to feel that heat again. Even for a moment.

* * *

 

Two days have passed since we brought (Y/N) back home. Almost all of her color has returned and her heart is pumping away like a steam train. I rub my hands along the side of my face realizing that I still haven’t shaved. (Y/N) is probably going to joke when she wakes up. Most likely about how I keep losing things. First my shoe now a razor. I’m dying to hear her voice and laugh again. The bunker has been empty without it especially since Dean and I have barely spoken since the hunt.

 

“Sam! Get in here!” My heart skips a beat at the joy in Dean’s voice. She’s finally waking up!

 

Not caring about the witchcraft book I’d been studying I bolt from the library taking the stairs three at a time. I barrel through my bedroom door and see (Y/N) sitting up in bed chatting with Dean. Her glow is back in full force. (Y/N)’s eyes are puffy but alert, taking in her surrounding. I don’t bother holding back and push past Dean so that I can be beside her. Too relieved to speak I give (Y/N) a kiss. It's’ like kissing her for the first time all over again.

 

_“Hey, Sam! Take a break and join me!” (Y/N) fires a wave of water in my direction barely missing our files. I send her a dry ‘fuck off’ look and she sinks underwater as if she’d somehow disappear. How the hell did she talk me into coming to the high school pool in the middle of the night?_

_My book light starts flickering like the lights in a bad horror film. Unfortunately, no amount of shaking brings it back to life. Frustrated and dead tired I toss aside the files on another lounge chair. I glance over at (Y/N) doing laps under the water, impersonating a mermaid. Her hair curls around her body as she spins underneath before breaching the surface. The smile on her face is strikingly similar to a child being given everything on their wishlist. (Y/N) is absolutely captivating. I have to join her._

_Throwing caution to the wind I strip to my boxers and dive into the crystal clear blue water. The tepid water welcomes me briskly washing away my past frustrations. The sound of bubbling water breaks to the sound of crashes waves of pool water colliding with the edge when my body floats back to the surface. (Y/N) assaults me with a tidal wave of water that slams into my open mouth before I can scream for her to not splash me. Hungry for vengeance, and to hear more of that musical laughter, I launch my counterattack. My attack almost tips her over with the its force but her laughter becomes louder as she wipes the chlorine droplets from her eyes._

_“Aren’t you glad you decided to get your nose out of those files? I thought your face was going to fuse with the pages!” (Y/N)’s eyes sparkle as she teases me the tips of her full lips curving up higher with every word._

_“Yeah,” I take some of her hair that is hanging precariously close to her eyes and tuck them behind her ears. I can’t take my eyes off her plump, rosy lips. “thanks for dragging me along.” Hypnotized like a sailor succumbing to a siren song I press my lips against (Y/N)’s. After a moment of shock she returns the kiss and one of her hands into my sopping hair while the other runs down my chest before resting on my side._

_(Y/N) breaks the kiss for air only leaving enough space for a thin sheet of paper between us and breathlessly mutters, “I should drag you along more often.”_

This time the shock doesn’t turn to passion but fright. Confused and worried I pull away, even though one kiss wasn’t enough to ease my craving for her touch, and what I see tears a piece of me. (Y/N) is curling into herself, preparing to push me away if I dare approach her again. The fear, confusion, and growing anger are swirling in her steely gaze. And when I thought that my heart couldn’t ache anymore (Y/N)’s frigid words plow into me.

 

“I’m going to guess that you’re Sam, right? The boy-wonder Dean kept talking about?”

* * *

 

Two months and nothing. No one knows where Gerald ran off to and we aren’t exactly on good terms with Rowena so she hasn’t helped. We haven’t been able to get a hold of Castiel and asking Crowley for help isn’t going to happen. All of (Y/N)’s memories from before we met are gone. The last thing she remembers is from all those years ago the night before we first met.

 

_A snappy knock interrupts Dean’s enthusiastic chatter singing a mysterious hunter’s praises. Who ever this person is has certainly left an impression on him. A sweet voice, like honey, greets Dean exchanging light jabs at one another easily matching Dean’s crude humor. I can already tell what the car rides are going to be like and I don’t know if I quite ready for that._

_I raise my eyes to greet the new temporary addition to our hodgepodge of a team and everything I’d planned to say goes out the window. She’s absolutely stunning with her hair messily falling against her shoulders and her inquisitive eyes drinking me in. It doesn’t take long to notice that not only could she put Aphrodite to shame but she can fight with the best of them. Her poise easily masks the fact that she has trained for years in some form of martial arts. This woman is deadly but I can’t ignore the gravitational pull she has on me._

_“So you’re the boy-wonder? Gotta say you exceed my expectations, Winchester.” If she hadn’t had me under her spell before she certainly does now. That smirk and mischievous glint in her eyes could charm anyone to sign away everything they own, and boy am I running to sign my name on the dotted line._

“Yo, Sammy, I think I found a way to bring (Y/N)’s memories back. It’s not a sure thing but it might work.” Dean is almost pleading me to look at spell he’d found, begging me to climb out of the hole I’ve sunken into.  

 

“Forget it, Dean.” I grab the sandwich I’d forgotten to eat and leave Dean in the kitchen. My hope that he’d just drop the subject is thwarted when Dean starts stomping after me.

 

“What do you mean ‘forget it’, Sam? Are you really willing to let her lose all the times you guys have spent together?!” The more Dean talks the more furious he becomes. Even as I try to slam my bedroom door shut so I can think in peace he throws it back open. “Why are you so willing to give up on her?”

 

“Dean, I’ve made up my mind. And I don’t intend on risking messing around in (Y/N)’s head anymore just so that I get her back. Anyway, it’s better for her this way.” My appetite is gone and my sandwich starts to look foul. I try to bury myself searching for a new case to silence my raging thoughts.

 

Dean storms away muttering about how willing I am to let myself suffer instead of taking the risk to get a good thing back. But he doesn’t get it. I’m not willingly letting myself suffer. I want to be able to hold (Y/N) in my arms again and have her furnace like heat envelope me but I can’t help remember what Gerald said. Maybe he did do me a favor even if he didn’t mean to. This life, being with us, is going to get her killed just like Jessica or left behind like Amelia. I love (Y/N) too much to put her through that. She’s better off not remembering our relationship.

 

The fact that from now on I’ll have to distance myself from (Y/N) as much as possible settles in. At some point she’ll end up falling for someone else. Hell, it might even be Dean! And I have to at least pretend to be okay with that even if it eats away at the fibers of my being. At least if we end up going our separate ways she’ll be safer. That’s all that matters now.

 

Before I know it the alarm clock, shaped like a moose that (Y/N) bought on one of her solo hunts, is burning my eyes as it blinks “2:45 a.m.” The new information makes me realize just how drained my body feels. Who’da thought that stewing in my own turbulent emotions would make me more tired than going on a hunt or a run. My body complains as I shimmy under my owl covered comforter, another of (Y/N)’s decorating choices, not bothering to remove my clothes but I don’t find any solace in my bed.

 

The lack of her warmth, the cold I always wanted, is no longer welcome. It only reminds me how poorly I’ve been sleeping since she moved into another room. Everywhere I look she’s there. In that stupid moose clock, this ridiculous comforter, and the pin board filled with snapshots of hideaways she’d discovered while we traveled. (Y/N) fills the room even when she isn’t here. Though it pains me to look at them I wouldn’t dare get rid of them. It’d be like defiling a piece of her, us. Before long my agony fades as sleep drowns my senses.

* * *

 

“Sleeping beauty, it’s time to get up. Can’t let the day slip away sleeping!” (Y/N)’s voice breaks through my chaotic dreams changing the battle scene into this warm, soothing in between space.

 

I scoff at myself completely taken off guard at my mind’s need to soothe itself by creating the illusion that (Y/N) is laying down next to me. But I have to admit this is a strong trick. I can feel her fingers running through my hair lightly massage my scalp and I can smell her. The scent of her shampoo, mixed berries, wafts over to me. I can even feel her damp hair resting against my cheek as (Y/N) bends over to place a tender kiss on my forehead.

 

“If you aren’t going to get up when I ask nicely I guess I’ll just have to force ya up.” A smile forces its way onto my face straining the muscles that have been unused for days.

 

The bed shifts as (Y/N) gets off the bed heading over to the end of the foot post. Now I’m getting infuriated with this hallucination. I’d want nothing more than to go back to that battle scene if it means I won’t have to keep seeing (Y/N) smirking at me with her usual Cheshire cat smirk. I don’t need any more reminders that I’ll never have her look at me that way again. My anger vanishes along with my comforter. The cold air shocks every muscle in my body taking away any remnants of sleep with it.

 

Yet (Y/N)’s still standing there with her hands pressed into her hips and a victorious smile adorning her face. Overjoyed I yank (Y/N) back into bed nuzzling my face into the crook of her neck. Hungry to have her closer I wrap one of her legs around my waist and run my fingers along her lithe legs enjoying the feeling of her skin against mine. (Y/N)’s fingers gently draws shapes along my spine. I don’t speak incase this really is a dream still and she’ll disappear from my grasp again. There is no way I could recover from that.

 

“You probably figured out by now that Dean didn’t take no for an answer.” I don’t trust myself enough to speak and not crumble so I just nod for (Y/N) to continue. “Understand this Winchester, you're stuck with for however long each of us has. So don’t you dare try to a stunt like that again. Okay?”

 

“Yes, Ma’am. I wouldn’t dream of it.” I gather my resolve and ask the question that’s been on my mind for a month. “Did you feel anything for me- you know- after the memory wipe?”

 

(Y/N) pulls away from me forcing my face away from the hollow in her neck. I try to hide how exposed I feel but the admiration in her eyes stops me in my tracks. She swipes my hair that has fallen in my face away and rest her forehead against mine. I resist the urge to kiss her senseless needing to know her answer more than anything.

 

“With those puppy dog eyes and this mop of hair how could I resist?” (Y/N) chuckles and buries her head in one of my pillows trying her best to hide the massive grin on her face. “I think I ended up annoying Dean with all the questions I had about you! He ended up looking like you, buried in mountains of books searching like a bloodhound for a reversal spell!”

 

I feel my laughter brewing in the pit of my stomach and try to keep it there so that I can enjoy (Y/N)’s heartfelt giggles. Yearning to see how her nose crinkles and the crease that forms in the middle of her forehead I push aside (Y/N)’s hair. Her beet red face is contorted in unfiltered joy. Man, I’ve missed this. Comprehending how much I rely on (Y/N) I solidify a promise I’d made back when we first met. I’m signing away everything I own to be with her and I’m never going to let her slip away again. (Y/N) means too much for me to give up on so easily. Wherever this roller coaster ends up we’re riding it together until the bloody end if we have to.

 

_Thanks, Dean. Thank you for not letting me throw away my happiness because of my insecurity. I think its’ time that you do the same. Find someone who makes your day by simply being there; someone you’d throw everything away for. It's’ your turn to be happy, Dean. You deserve it just as much as I do._

__


End file.
